eating alone in a room full of people

Prior to coming to Spain, I was part of a coaches preparation time for all those who will be coaching the participants of our Agape Europe Next Generation leader development program. I am so excited for the participants that they have people of this quality and caliber to invest in them!

So I am in Spain. I came here for 2 days. I am here to meet face to face with the people at this hotel whom I will be working with in November and then again in May. November with about 70 people in attendance and May with about 170 in attendance. Part of the time here, I enjoyed the company of Marga, a lovely woman whom I thoroughly enjoy! She is Spanish and is the main assistant to the Agape Europe director Javier. I was blessed to have her company for dinner yesterday, and lunch today.

Dinner tonight.. I knew I was eating alone. This is something I have avoided most of my life. Not eating alone.. but eating alone in a room full of people. I am not like my brother Michael who could do this easily. He would probably end up sharing great times with every person in the room before the night was over. He has the ability, as our biological father, to put anyone at ease and to bond with them quickly... even if they are all at their own tables in a restaurant.

Me? I find that I enjoy connecting with people when I have a role that platforms me to do so. For example, if my role in a situation is as the conference organizer, or the leader of the meeting, or the hostess for the event.. I have no problem being the social butterfly who flits around to put everyone at ease. And I enjoy meeting everyone and getting to know who they are. But...

When I am just a single girl in a room full of families, couples who are each enjoying dinner at their own table... it is REALLY difficult for me to find a seat, to choke down my food. This is very different from eating at home alone. At home, I have other things to keep me engaged and occupied: emails, cleaning, art projects, work, talking with friends. In a restaurant, as I was tonight.. the restaurant of the hotel.... in a restaurant, it is me at a table by myself alone with my own thoughts.

As I sat there tonight, there were moments where I could barely choke down my food. I felt so alone. And moments that I was fascinated by the people around me. Maybe if there had been music playing instead of the silence. I would have stayed longer. As it was, I noticed which servers smiled at me as they took my plate and which ones never even looked at me. And then God bless the head server who came and chatted with me even though he was not confidant in his English. We even exchanged some German phrases. funny... since I understand and speak more Spanish than German.

But... I survived. I survived something that I do not choose to ever repeat. God has not created me to be alone. I am a people person. I come alive when I get to interact with people.

Tomorrow morning I shall have breakfast alone in a room full of people... but perhaps I will have a different perspective... not sure what... but we shall see.

in other news... I am working on a painting for my living room... here are the beginning stages....

July.... and September...
I wonder when I will finish it. In between the other things in my life. :-)

on leaving and being left...

When I was in high school, I had the privilege of being an Outdoor School counselor 5 times. My nickname was Hershey... I do not remember why that name stuck but it did. I taught the 6th grade students all about the resource of plants. Alice Algea and Freddie Fungus took a Lichen to each other. I comforted the kids when they were scared of the big spooky cabins and helped them get up in the morning when it was the LAST thing on earth they wanted to do.

I recall during the Spring of my Senior year of high school... 15 years ago.... when Cherokee (the camp director) called those of us up who had given of our high school time to be counselors. He honored us with certificates and all the kids sang to us. I cried. It was the end of something I thoroughly enjoyed.

I found my name tag last week.

Ah the memories.The most vivid memory is of the first time I was a counselor for the Outdoor School Program. There was a boy who was small for his age but really tough. And he knew how to irritate the staff. For some reason, he had a special place in my heart that week. And when the kids were loading up their buses to go home at the end of the week, he ran up to me, gave me a big hug and started crying. "Hershey, I don't want to leave you." Of course I started to cry too.

I got on my bus after that and thought.. if caring this much for people causes this much hurt.. I don't want to do it!

Now that was not the first time in my life of experiences sorrow over leaving or being left but that one memory is still so strong in my mind 19 years after the fact.

There are so many moments of leaving and being left in this life that God has called me to. I believe God desires that we fully engage wherever He has placed us. This means I leave and am left by dear people everywhere I go. My heart is in so many places in the world!

This lovely couple and their three children are moving to the States this fall. They are precious to my heart. He is German, she is French. I have enjoyed deep discussions, lots of laughs, fun game play and doing ministry together with them. I shall miss the Kocherscheidt family greatly!

I do not know what is easier.. leaving or being left... I spent many years doing the leaving, then I spent several years being left, and now I am the one doing much of the leaving again.

I think it is hard to be left...the emptiness that remains after you are left is almost unbearable at times. But your life goes on. God brings new people into your life to fill that emptiness... not to replace what was once there.

I think it is hard to leave... the emptiness that remains in your heart from the people, places, events that you leave behind can be gut-wrenching. But life goes on. The pain slowly fades. God provides new people, places and events to fill your life... not to erase or replace what once was.

So in this life of leaving and being left, the one constant is God. And for this I am eternally grateful! I have learned that even though it hurts to say goodbye, I need to fully engage and invest wherever God puts me.

In the middle of the leaving and being left there are comings and new beginnings. These two have been a blessing to me. Sabine and Bettina are German and they are so patient with me and so encouraging as I struggle to learn Deutsch.

With all my heart I want to be able to speak the heart language of reach person I speak with. But how can I learn German, remember my Spanish, learn French, Greek, Italian, Finnish, Swedish, Lithuanian, Latvian, Estonian.. etc...

Glimpses of God's stunning creations in Kandern!

Catching up...

I made a new friend. :-) I know that this is laughable to many of you as you know that I have many good friends, but it is not often that I find a friend as easily and as God-appointed as this one. Kerry was in Kandern for 5 years previous to my arrival. So we met over the 4th of July and it was obvious that God had ordained we should be friends. I am so thankful for her!

I was a wedding coordinator for my dear friends the Holidays as their oldest daughter was getting married here in Kandern. I met the Holidays the first time I went to Lithuania and they have greatly impacted my life since then! I took this photo during the rehearsal dinner... the sky was stunning.

Lindsay and Patrick are a great couple and I was thrilled to be able to help them and get to know Patrick and his family! Sadly, I have no photos... I was too busy to stop and take photos. Hopefully I can get some from the family and share them with you. There are a few on this website.. it was really beautiful and I am delighted to have been a part of it.

The day after the wedding I gathered together a group of friends and we went to dinner at a Straussi. Deb, Thad and Jana and Brad are four people who I spent a lot of time with... when we are all in town. that Sunday was the last time until probably October when all of us will be in town at the same time.

These places are open 4 months out of the year and have great atmosphere, local food and good prices. We try to find new ones all the time to try out. yes... Brad was trying to edge Deb out of the photo... or was it Deb trying to hid from the photo? I sure get a lot of amusement from this group!

Two days later, I flew to Spain to meet up with my dear friend Claudia for a 10 day holiday.

We enjoyed sun, gorgeous views, exploring old cities, hiking in dry/forested/rocky areas, swimming in the ocean with other people, swimming in lakes with fish, turtles, ducks and other people. I loved how quickly my spanish came back and I even got to help a couple by translating what they needed to a shop keeper... they wanted the horn of a bull.. .just the horn for a gift... yeah... like any souvenir shop would sell just the horn. Sooo.. here are some photos of the lovely vacation I enjoyed.

View from our balcony:

Areas we got to hike in.. this was the entrance to a water gorge... stunning!:

the town of Ronda is connected by this amazing bridge:

Antequera has too many churches to count.. this was the highest church in the town...

Where we swam with ducks, fish, turtles and people.. Spanish, Dutch, British, German:

And some of the "animals" we encountered....
Fish
Geckos
Beetles
Ducks
for more photos click here: Spain holiday 1. And here: Spain holiday 2

this just amused me...

I have a daily cartoon that I receive and once in awhile it amuses me enough to send it to a few people but this one cracked me up so I thought I would share it with you all...



maybe it is so funny to me because of all the talk I have heard and been in recently regarding marriage.

A litte bit of this and that...

This is my balcony... I really really really enjoy my balcony... Thanks to my mother when she visited in February... I have plants growing on my balcony. :-) It is just a great place to be. I even bought a few citronella candles... the mosquitoes are abundant here. Dan, Jesse... what do you guys think of the old balcony?Saturday I took the train up to Freiburg to meet with a delightful girl. She and her husband are serving with Athletes in Action this past year in Freiburg and next year in Berlin. I do not have a photo of her easily available... but this is one of amazingly beautiful structures in Freiburg.
I thoroughly enjoy Freiburg. It is about 40 minutes north of Kandern. A 20 minute drive to the train station and then a 19 or 29 minute train ride (depends on the number of stops) to Freiburg. This town is a university town and it is always alive! I not only got to spend some time with Jessye, but I also got to hang out with some of the STINTers and the students that they have been working with this past year. Fun times.
The train ride between Mullheim and Freiburg is beautiful... and this is the season that the vineyards are very green... I found this an interesting photo... colourful graffiti and God's colourful nature together. :-)
I am beginning a new art project. I have a blank wall in my flat that I have been wanting to put a painting on... and the painting I am using for inspiration is Van Gogh's "Almond Blossoms"... so we shall see what happens. I will keep you posted. Painting is something that I started doing in the past 5 years... and find that I really enjoy it! It is relaxing and inspiring for me. But I cannot do it if my flat is a mess or if I am emotionally exhausted.. Creativity takes emotional energy! So I think that starting this project.. finally... means that I have a bit more emotional energy... Praise the Lord!!!