eating alone in a room full of people

Prior to coming to Spain, I was part of a coaches preparation time for all those who will be coaching the participants of our Agape Europe Next Generation leader development program. I am so excited for the participants that they have people of this quality and caliber to invest in them!

So I am in Spain. I came here for 2 days. I am here to meet face to face with the people at this hotel whom I will be working with in November and then again in May. November with about 70 people in attendance and May with about 170 in attendance. Part of the time here, I enjoyed the company of Marga, a lovely woman whom I thoroughly enjoy! She is Spanish and is the main assistant to the Agape Europe director Javier. I was blessed to have her company for dinner yesterday, and lunch today.

Dinner tonight.. I knew I was eating alone. This is something I have avoided most of my life. Not eating alone.. but eating alone in a room full of people. I am not like my brother Michael who could do this easily. He would probably end up sharing great times with every person in the room before the night was over. He has the ability, as our biological father, to put anyone at ease and to bond with them quickly... even if they are all at their own tables in a restaurant.

Me? I find that I enjoy connecting with people when I have a role that platforms me to do so. For example, if my role in a situation is as the conference organizer, or the leader of the meeting, or the hostess for the event.. I have no problem being the social butterfly who flits around to put everyone at ease. And I enjoy meeting everyone and getting to know who they are. But...

When I am just a single girl in a room full of families, couples who are each enjoying dinner at their own table... it is REALLY difficult for me to find a seat, to choke down my food. This is very different from eating at home alone. At home, I have other things to keep me engaged and occupied: emails, cleaning, art projects, work, talking with friends. In a restaurant, as I was tonight.. the restaurant of the hotel.... in a restaurant, it is me at a table by myself alone with my own thoughts.

As I sat there tonight, there were moments where I could barely choke down my food. I felt so alone. And moments that I was fascinated by the people around me. Maybe if there had been music playing instead of the silence. I would have stayed longer. As it was, I noticed which servers smiled at me as they took my plate and which ones never even looked at me. And then God bless the head server who came and chatted with me even though he was not confidant in his English. We even exchanged some German phrases. funny... since I understand and speak more Spanish than German.

But... I survived. I survived something that I do not choose to ever repeat. God has not created me to be alone. I am a people person. I come alive when I get to interact with people.

Tomorrow morning I shall have breakfast alone in a room full of people... but perhaps I will have a different perspective... not sure what... but we shall see.

in other news... I am working on a painting for my living room... here are the beginning stages....

July.... and September...
I wonder when I will finish it. In between the other things in my life. :-)