a rare moment....

It is not often that I am willing to write out some of my deepest thoughts for the whole world to read... but I also know that the Lord likes to use us in our weaknesses as well as our strengths.

Today, I finished up my official work day... I was the last one in our side of the offices so I turned off lights, shut off fans, closed windows and blinds and locked up. I walked through the reception area, double locking doors and closing blinds as I ...
It is literally two steps from the front of the office to my front door. So I finished my commute and walked up the three flights of stairs to my empty apartment.

And the thought that came to my head? I am tired of being alone. I opened windows, hung my laundry to dry, looked in the refrigerator and thought. I am tired of trying to figure out what to cook for just me. Realized I needed to go to the grocery store and thought...I am weary of making all my own decisions about what to buy.

I gathered by wallet, prayed that PennyMarkt would accept my bank card if I did not have enough cash on me, (bank issues last week), found a grocery bag, walked out my apartment, walked up the street to the store thinking... I am weary of doing this alone.

I got some groceries, paid with the cash I had, took too long bagging my groceries... all 6 items and the person behind me was frustrated, walked home and began to make dinner...for me.

I made a really good salad and thought I wish I could share this with someone. And again I thought.. I am sure weary of being alone.

Now, before all of you who love me think I am disregarding your love and care for me... I know I am deeply loved. I know I am cared for beyond what I could possibly fathom. I have great friends!

And before those of you want to remind me that you can be married and still feel alone.. .I know that!!! I know that getting married does not end all loneliness or solve all issues. I realize full well that when God puts you with someone for marriage there are a whole new set of problems that you will face.

And you know something? Yes. with all my heart I want to be a great wife and mother. I want to be in a relationship with a man where it is safe for me to be as affectionate as I am created to be. And yes... I want to be in love with a man who wants to cherish me and care for me and see the best in me. I want someone who will share decisions with me and who will make some decisions for me.

But this weariness in being alone is not just about a desire to be married. It is about all the nights the past 9 months that I have come home to an empty house too worn out to entertain but wanting so much for someone to just "be" with. There is comfort in having a house mate.

One night this past month, after a loooong day at the office, a co-worker kindly told me to go home... I went home and cried... why would I want to go home to an empty flat?

Don't worry... this is not a perpetual state that I am in... the waves of it come and go.. and it will go again soon... but when it comes I get tired and weary.

God has met me in some very special ways through these lonely times... and while I do believe that God is my sufficiency but I also believe that in His sufficiency He desires that we be in relationship. He has made us relational people... some of us more so than others...

So... please do not give me ways to "fix" this... just pray for me. Pray that I will keep my eyes on Christ and listen to His truth about who He is and what He thinks of me. Pray that God would meet my needs as He delights to do. Pray that if there is a roommate out there for me.. .girl or husband.. that I would follow the Lord's lead on that. :-)


I am not depressed about it all.... just pretty realistic.